Hmm, maybe ‘terrifying’ would be more suitable…
Have any of these things happened when you were watching anime? Complete amateurs can pick up a gun and headshot a trained assassin. A long lost twin or brother that conveniently appears out of nowhere. The laws of physics seem to be borrowed from some alternate universe that we are not aware of most of the time. I’m sure most of these sound rather familiar. Anime logic, tropes, cliches…call them what you want, but these nonsensical occurrences happen all the time. They appear in other forms of media too, but anime and manga are my specific targets for this crime. Hmm, wait…Are they crimes? Maybe there is actually a reason for these baffling paradoxes. Maybe logic has been a lie all this time! …Okay, so there’s really no excuse for half of the weird things that go on in even the most serious of anime, but I will attempt to play the devil’s advocate and explain why boobs bounce like water balloons, why people never die, and disprove GRAVITY. That’s right, I am going to BS to turn lies into the truth. I am going to BS so hard.
1. Bad guys always have to explain their plan at length
I’m starting off with an extremely common phenomenon I’m sure you’ve all witnessed at some point. The villain has the hero in his clutches and could land the finishing blow any time they wanted to – but they decide to gloat instead. Whenever anyone has the upperhand, they feel it necessary to explain precisely how they got there. Plans are revealed, hidden powers shown and dramatic pasts are retold as if they were reading a published autobiography. Anyone could catch them off guard and strike them down at this moment, or use the new knowledge of how their “secret weapon with one weakness that THEY JUST EXPLAINED” works to destroy them. Don’t stop, just pull the trigger! How many times have the Mirai Nikki characters explained every last detail of their future diary just for the hell of it and had things blow up in their faces because of it? While it often makes for better storytelling by not leaving us in the dark, you have to admit that revealing your weak point and giving your opponent an opening is never a good idea. Ever.
Explanation: Here is how this works: I explain a snippet of anime logic and then come up with why this happens using PURE FACTS AND SCIENCE. No, not a legitimate reason for why it makes for better storytelling or directing…that’s dumb. After all, it’s a well-known fact that villains can slow down time with their laugh. Why else would they cackle so often? Their MWAHAHAHA’s and FUAAAHAHAHAHA’s are actually a different type of wave other than sound waves. They are called Time Waves and they slow down time for anything they bounce off of, aside from themselves. The only way to avoid it is to not listen, which is why some characters snap out of in time and perform a surprise attack.
2. Most serious injuries can be cured with band-aids
So I hear your ribcage got ripped open. No problem, we’ll just leave you in the sun for a bit then take you to the hospital after this lengthy fight! Oh, Zoro! I see you got another wound ripping your body open like the Grand Canyon. You silly thing, you! Be more careful next time! What will you do if you really hurt yourself?! The world of shounen manga and anime is a very dangerous place. If you’re not the useless love interest or if you don’t have incurable and unidentified anime disease X, then you’re likely to spend your life getting beat up. However, as much as shounen manga try to make mortal wounds seem deadly, it’s really just a lucky gamble on whether or not the character will live or not. Sometimes they heal from just GUTS and a few bandages, while other times they’re killed off completely. It’s impossible to tell what kinds of wounds are enough to kill or even incapacitate a character, as medical common sense such as how much blood someone should lose before dying doesn’t apply here.
Explanation: There is something you should know about the bandages used in anime to treat characters who get the odd arm lopped off without bleeding to death. They are actually nanomachines. The bandages are made of millions of tiny robots that stop bleeding by increasing the platelet count in the blood to promote blood clotting, closing wounds and increasing the rate of healing. Some more advanced nano-bandages (that’s what they’re called, if you didn’t know) are able to splice genes into your DNA…specifically the genes for fast-healing! Anyone who wears a bandage now has vampire-like healing abilities! Magnifique! The world of science is truly great. Without them, I’m sure a lot of characters would have died.
3. Boobs, like chameleon eyes, can move in two different directions at once
Jesus Christ, they just go everywhere. Boobs in yo face, boobs in the sky, boobs doing the wave…Everywhere. This is kind of bad since they are an ubiquitous entity in anime, and thus very hard to ignore. Sometimes they’re perfectly content being on a female character’s chest, while other times they seem eager to bust free and fulfill their lifelong dream of becoming a basketball or something. The way they move (or DON’T move) is often alien in nature. And no one wants alien boobs. Or maybe you do. I should make a poll to find out.
Explanation: Why do chest-dwelling water balloons bounce at the slightest provocation? Let me tell you about…the boob zone. The boob zone is a special environment that exists around a girl’s chest area and spans about 5-10 inches away from one’s chest. It varies from girl to girl (TRY FINDING YOUR BOOB ZONE TODAY!). The boob zone is a strange area where traditional laws of inertia are not conserved. It requires very little energy for something to go from rest into motion, and that movement is sustained for longer than it normally would from that amount of force. Each boob has a separate boob zone with separate rules for inertia, which is often why one will go up while the other will go down. One is just lagging behind the other. No one knows why or how the boobs are this powerful, but this is a very popular field of study as of late.
4. Hiding behind a small tree or pole is a fail-proof hiding spot
Stalkers are plentiful in anime, and it’s not surprising considering how easily they can camouflage into their environment without being spotted. Most stalkers or scouts can stand behind a scrawny tree and not be seen, no matter how much of their body is peeking out from the sides. The same trend seems to be true with bushes, telephone poles, small shrubs, windows, or cardboard boxes. It might be okay if they were completely hidden, but it’s not uncommon for people to simply STAND in a tree and stare at people or reveal half of their body while hiding. By all means, they should be spotted immediately and called out for it.
Explanation: A chameleon can blend in with its surroundings, but people can’t exactly do that. Oh no, I’d never suggest something so ludicrous. It’s the trees. The trees change colour to hide the person by completely cloaking them. Using advanced cloaking techniques and colour-changing abilities, they can make themselves disappear completely. This means that the person hiding behind it disappears too! Most plants have this ability, and physicists have recently been experimenting on creating an artificial version by using local telephone poles. So far, the results look pretty good.
5. A character is never 100% confirmed as dead, even when they die.
The general rule is that it’s not dead until you see a body. Anything could have happened offscreen: a sudden escape scene, a secret technique, or even a sudden revival. It’s pretty common for characters to shrug off fatal injuries, coughing out some blood and just getting back up again after everyone thought they had died. Even if a character DOES die AND you see the body, there’s still the chance that they could come back as a zombie, demon, angel or just the same as usual thanks to a little magic and ass-pulling. Think of the more recent chapters of Naruto, Show ▼
or Rabbit Doubt with it’s tricky “nothing as it seems” atmosphere. Emiya Shiro is wrong…people do not always die when they killed!
Explanation: There aren’t many Death Gods left, so they’re stuck with ridiculously long shifts. The work is so tedious that they sometimes fall asleep and neglect their work. Other times, they’re very vigilant. It really depends on your timing.
6. Help everything. No, really. EVERYTHING.
The role of the main character seems to always be “HELP EVERYONE!” I know it’s nice and sweet how willing people are to lend a hand, but it’s a bit disconcerting how fast some lead characters trust others. The average boy finds a mysterious girl with magic powers…and takes them home. Dude, if it has magical powers and is giving off creepy vibes, you don’t take that shit home! You don’t even know where it’s been! Furthermore, they often end up being willing to risk their lives immediately. “Got a magical quest to do where I could die? Girl, I am so on that.” is not the kind of answer I would expect if this were real life. The worst is when you find an unconscious girl on the road (apparently this happens a lot) and you take her home, as if calling the ambulance wasn’t a viable option. 5 second rule, bro. 5 second rule.
Explanation: All teenage boys are just mega pervs who expect sex for every good deed they do. If the super nice character is a girl, they they’re a nympho. No one is ever nice without wanting something in return.
7.There is no limit to how many power ups a character has.
Dragon Ball Z, anyone? As much as I love shounen, it’s a very easy genre to make fun of. Battles are often won with power levels instead of wits, and whoever has the most godly power always wins. Strategy is useless, you just have to go through a training arc until you get a fancy new power upgrade. A new mode, a new weapon, a better level of fusion – these are the things that decides a battle. Let me tell you, there is no limit to any of these things. These characters just grow at an exponential rate. Even if there was a limit, they’d surpass it with their “secret weapon” or “forbidden technique that was sealed away.”
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ,no ,no, no there’s no limit!
no, no, no ,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no there’s no limit!
No no limits, we’ll reach for the sky!
No valley to deep
No mountain too high
No no limits, won’t give up the fight!
We do what we want and we do it with pride
Lemme hear ya say yeah! (yeah!)
8. The girlier it is, the more likely it is actually a guy in disguise.
Traps are really hard to avoid. Even reverse traps can be tricky sometimes. A lot of guys just pull off that feminine look really well. Too well, in fact. It seems the most feminine characters often end up being guys. Rukako from Steins;Gate is described as being a perfectly feminine and dainty creature…but she’s a guy. The same can be said for Phi Brain. When they get you, they get you good. Well, maybe you don’t care at this point since they look so convincing, so I guess it’s not too bad.
Explanation: Of course all the gorgeous men are traps! Why would burly, manly men parade around in dresses? Well, they still do, but it’s more common for the traps to be delicate. Anyways, if you look like a girl at birth, might as well make the best of it and go all the way by confusing the hell out of people. I fully support traps of all shape and form! All the effeminate men are traps because they can pull it off. As to how they end up even more attractive than the rest of the girl characters on the show most of the time, that’s a bit more complicated. My guess is that they have the ability to transfer hormones. I call it “Pituitary Psychic Exchange.” The traps are able to switch their hormone production levels with those of nearby women, allowing them their pituitary gland to release more estrogen while the women will be stuck with testosterone pumping through their veins. The traps look more girly, and the women start getting a little less sweet.
9. Gravity is more of a gentle suggestion than a rule.
Gravity. Anime’s number one rival (no, it’s not moeblobs). Remember the whole boobs never moving in a sensible manner thing? This is just a subset of the chaos that unfolds in the gravity-less world of anime. Jumping from rooftop to rooftop is rarely a problem, even if the characters possess no super powers, super strength, or notable parkour skills. It’s like everyone suddenly became star basketball players or long-jumpers. Other examples include freezing in midair, long-winded attack combos that take place in the air, and sports moves that are physically impossible to do in real life. At this point, I shouldn’t even narrow it to gravity – the entirety of Physics is like a joke. Prince of Tennis is the epitome of this gravity-less perspective. The Tezuka Zone is a move where a tennis player can force the ball to be sucked in towards them no matter where it goes – even if it all the way across the court. It is also the reason dinosaurs are extinct. I will stop there since I see your brain leaking through your nose.
Explanation: I wasn’t joking when I said gravity in anime was like an alternate dimension…it is! All anime take place in alternate dimensions with completely different laws of physics and a different set of elements. It may seem odd to us, but it’s normal for their world.
10. Childhood friends never want to be just friends.
Childhood friends tend to prioritize getting it on with the hapless male lead whom they’ve known almost their entire lives. Usually you’re so close to those kinds of friends, you wouldn’t dream of taking things a step further. I can understand someone developing such feelings, although it strikes me as more of a rare thing. The problem is, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a childhood friend who wasn’t lunging like a hungry wolf at the main dude’s dick. It’s a bloody epidemic!
Explanation: No, really, it’s an epidemic. Most main characters are carriers of this deadly virus, and it is very contagious during the toddler to pre-adolescent stage of life. This virus infects females and adjusts how the brain reacts to pheromones. It is re-wired such that only the childhood friend’s pheromones will be cause a normal effect. Furthermore, the signal is greatly intensified so that the guy becomes exceedingly desirable to the female. A sex pot, if you will (getting real scientific here). Some males carry a version of this disease that is contagious during the teen years as well, which is why they tend to form giant harems filled with girls who can’t resist those super-powered pheromones. Even if you have no redeeming qualities, this disease can get you a nice gaggle of girls at your whim. There’s no way these girls are legitimately charmed, so this is the only way.
I have no idea what that was, but it was an interesting…experiment. I’m used to explaining things with real science and logic for editorials, so I thought going all-out crazy this month would be a nice risk to take. This is by far the silliest thing I’ve ever written. <_< I’m sure nothing made a lick of sense, and that was exactly my intention! Anyways, it’s once again time for you to do that commenting thang if you’ve got something to say. Feel free to come up with your own hypothesis for why these crazy things happen or point out any other weird anime logic/anime trope/anime cliche/whatever things you find interesting. I’ll try to BS a good answer for you, if that’s what you want. Hopefully you chuckled or went WTF from this post at least once. Whew, that was enough insanity to last a year…I’m going back to the usual (slightly more coherent) stuff next month!
Usually you’re so close to those kinds of friends, you wouldn’t dream of taking things a step further.