Dragon Crisis! – 02 & 03

Got my eye fork at the ready~

Ahhh, I’m so behind! My laptop was in the shop for about 4 days last week and when I got it back it was wiped, so I had to reinstall loads of programs and rebuild all my files. Took about another 2-3 days, besides that I’ve been out of town a lot job hunting which takes up a lot of time. Hurr. But I’m back to being vaugley organized now, so hopefully things will run smoother.

Back just in time to face another episode of Dragon Crisis! Oh joy. Okay, deep calming breaths, episode two starts out with…

Kamiya NOOOOOOO!!!

What are you doing here? Run! Get out now, while you still can! sobs So yeah, this is our villain, Onyx, a black dragon, voiced by Kamiya Hiroshi (Natsume from Book of Friends, Izaya from DRRRR!, Yuzuru from Angel Beats!) In other words TOO GOOD FOR THIS CRAP. We see he’s got plans for our little loli dragon, as Ryuji and the gang fly with the doctor to the facility. While in the chopper the doctor reveals just how much of a creeper he is, but thankfully Rose sends him packing with a small burst of fire. But once there he starts prodding her again, expositing stuff that the audience has easily guessed already. Oh, DEEN, how you love to waste our time.

Also, just fyi, the entire episode pretty much takes place in this single room. Remember what I said about pacing in the last post? Yeah, rinse and repeat….They give Rose a tub of ice cream to appease her grumpy ass and get her to cooperate with their data collection. But that could have possibly been interesting so instead we cut to a pointless scene back at school where Ryuji’s friends try to contact him, and fail.

Ryuji’s mum calls Eriko and Ryuji gets even more miserable and unlikeable, as if that’s possible. “My parents are too busy hunting dragons to care about me. LOLOLOLOL.” With Ryuji bitching and moaning at everything (yes, I’m aware of the irony) Rose becomes concerned, and seeks to understand what’s wrong. Ryuji’s just a bastard in these scenes, shoving Rose and just wanting to be away from her. Even after remembering they met once before and knowing how much it’ll hurt her feelings since she obviously loves him so much he just continues throwing a tantrum. What a brat.

So, 5 minutes from the end of the episode, something FINALLY happens. The bad guy dragon shows up at the facility, causing Rose to feel a disturbance in the force. The guards outside are beaten hilariously easily, their attack stratagy consisiting of standing diagnoally opposite each other so that if they fire and miss it is most definately going to hit the person opposite them. They barely even shoot as well, they just stand around like morons going “Duuuh, maybe we should do something?”

So he gets into the lab where the gang are and we learn of his motive! It’s to marry Rose….Eww, dude she’s like 12 and you look about 24. The great Kamiya Hiroshi, everbody! Coming in your windows, snatching up your loli dragons…So, Pedo Dragon kicks everyone’s collective asses much to my enjoyment, Ryuji gets it particuarly bad and at this point I was clapping, but then we have another little pointless excursion of him having Eriko’s earing or something. I guess she just needs an excuse for why she’s still in the show. Anyway Rose decides to go with Pedo Dragon because if she doesn’t she realizes Ryuji will get killed. Oh no, how terrible, he was so young /sarcasm

Oh, I was wrong, Eriko has another personality trait to her: ASS

And that was episode 2, well, at least now SOMETHING has happened. What you got in store for us episode 3?

Oooohohohoho…I can’t say life isn’t good to me sometimes. Smirk Now this episode, this is what I wanted. Cause it’s hard and not much fun to rant about something that’s boring because it has no substance, it’s hard to grasp specific things to unleash your rage on. But when something is stupid, then there is a whole plethora of delicious idiocy to tear apart. And this episode really packs in the stupid, it was fantastic.

Okay, so…Pedo Dragon, as I’m calling him now, tells Rose to talk to the hand, putting her to sleep in the car as they drive away. He can’t be bothered listening to her crying either, apparently. Meanwhile the gang are licking their wounds after their thorough ass-whooping with Ryuji feeling like the complete loser he is.

Rose wakes up to find Pedo Dragon stroking her hair and, quite rightfully, smacks him in the head with the fruit bowl. He keeps his smile on and tells her to drink the medicine he brought, which she does. WTF is wrong with you girl? Have you never seen Tales from Earthsea! These bad guys lie! It’s never good for you! Why does she need medicine anyway? Congested sinuses from that black Jedi smoke?

Your princess is in another castle

Oh, this next part is brilliant. They can communicate telepathically! I can just seen the staff at DEEN cheering when they came up with this one. LESS STUFF TO DRAW GUYZ LETS GO GET DRUNK! HURRAY! So if they can talk to each other with their minds, why is it that their mouths still ocassionally move? That just makes it look like they’ve missed out animation. They probably did, tbh. They probably got the show back in colour and went ohhh shiiiiiiii-naw it’s telepathy, yeah telepathy. Lazy fudgmsfnsmfds….

But Pedo Dragon finds out he’s been bugged with a tracer before he can show Rose the reptile in his pants and calls for the guards to prepare for an attack. Uh, question?….HOW. I’m serious, who in the facility would be able to get that on him? He slaughtered them all in seconds, no one got near him, and unless Eriko or Ryuji were keeping the fact that their James Bond from us this is not possible. You hear me DEEN? NOT POSSIBLE.

He then knocks Rose out AGAIN with his jedi mind smoke. RINSE AND GOD DAMN REPEAT.

What’s that? Not enough idiocy for you yet? Never fear, Eriko does what she does best, inflict her poor judgment on Ryuji. Okay, so we get a little light shed on the underlying angst that’s been eating at Ryuji. Turns out he lost control of his Lost Precious or whatever and hasn’t used one since, but his parents have procured him a super duper special one in case of an emergency such as this, shown to him by Eriko. Oh, yeah, and her exact words were “I don’t know what kind of hidden power is in it but why don’t you give it a go?”

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! You just said he lost control of the last one he used, and now you’re basically going “Yeah, I know you screwed up big time last time, caused major collatoral damage and possibly killed a few people, but hey! practise makes perfect!” And do you know whats even funnier? Within a second of him holding the dagger in his hands he inadvertantly slices apart half the cabinets containing ALL THE PRICELESS ARTIFACTS. What a complete fail. How do they not understand that this is a bad idea?

Anyway, he gets a snazzy looking orc sword dagger and they all set off to rescue the dragon princess from the tower. Way to combine fairytales. Pedo Dragon convinces Rose that Eriko and Ryuji aren’t her friends, yadda yadda, nothing we haven’t seen before. We know she’s gonna change her mind as soon as Ryuji throws some more cliches at her.

From fire breathing badass to…crying. Do I even have to tell you why this is stupid?

So they go in with their hapless swat team, and when a gunbattle ensues, Ryuji and Eriko make it too an elevator. Guys this isn’t Black Lagoon, you can’t dodge bullets like that. And the doctor is there, too. HOW. I’m getting tired of asking but HOW/WHEN did this happen?

I had to take a break from watching here just to comprehend the stupidness of this next scene. Okay, so when Pedo Dragon was explaining why he kidnapped rose in the bedroom, i.e because when two dragons get married and trust each other enough (I dunno, it sounds a bit yugioh) they can become stronger. He also said that it won’t work otherwise, but when Ryuji and the gang intercept them in the tower THEY ARE HAVING THE WEDDING. I’m dead serious, pedo dragon is in a white suit and everything. WHAT IS THE POINT SOMEBODY TELL MEEEEE!!! Okay, I know the argument may be made that Rose said she’d give up on Ryuji, but that doesn’t mean she trusts Pedo Dragon. I would have thought that would make her trust him less, since he’s made her turn her back on her friends and all. UGH…

I don’t think I can take much more of DEEN’s fantasy backwash so I’m gonna wrap this up. Ryuji fights giant pedo dragon and wins in some decent but forgettable action scenes, gets skewered by a dragon frisbee but Rose gives him the kiss of life with her magic dragon breath (oh, I’ll get to THAT in the end thoughts) and the group drive away triumphant. Hurrah.

EXTRA FAIL

Enter the Bat Cave

POINT. HAVE ONE.

Excuse me while I facepalm the world

Oh yes we often take our young son dragon hunting in the himalayas, don’t you?

Do I even need to make a compensation joke?

“I’m so evil my clothes change to black when I’m mad”

Rose gets her wings from the same store as Karin

END THOUGHTS

I don’t want you to think I’ve got some vendetta against DC or that I’m picking this show out from the others as being the worst. Tbh I’m just as harsh on the other shows this season. There are some of them I would quite happily tear apart as well, but it’s just not polite outside of my own posts. That being said Dragon Crisis! is a cut above DEEN’s normal stupidity, though I haven’t watched any of their bad shows in a while it definately ranks up there. I mean, we’re only on episode three and I’m already this mad and honestly this post was huge, I mean pushing six A4 pages. I had to cut a lot of rants out about other little things that the characters did or what happened that made my brain hurt.

But getting back to these two episodes; episode 2 was so simillar to 1 in that nothing really happened. I don’t have much to say about it other than the last 5 minutes. Onyx beating the crap out of everyone was the most entertaining part, the sadist in me enjoyed that immensely. Episode 3 was full of that glorious fail and then some just plain fail. I mean the romantic moments at the end where Ryuji’s attitude to Rose changes in about a nano second and the two are professing their love and holding hands and fighting off the bad guy together, they would have been fine…hell, they could even have been pretty sweet. But because the two have hardly had any screen time together or, lets face it, a decent exchange of dialoge it just came across as tacked on and rushed.

The binding necklace that was the main catalyst for this entire arc was so easily removed with just a tap of Ryuji’s orc sword, deus ex machina much? I mean, come on. It’s just plain lazy storytelling. The whole engagment thing was just plain creepy to begin with as well. Also, the fact they survived half the tower collapsing on their heads, while at the same time making it to ground level in one piece and in the space of a few seconds was also impossible to buy. Aaaaand the dragon breath, oh the dragon breath. I’m a major dragon nerd and I have never ever heard of dragon breath having healing powers and if it does exist in some old legend that I don’t know about it’s stupid. DRAGON BREATH IS FIRE YOU MORONS. I dunno if I just wanted to see Ryuji die painfully and that’s why I got annoyed or what. Either way this shows stupidity is very fun to rant about, I hope it’s as fun to read. The next episode looks like just another pointless one so I probably won’t cover it, and once Supernatural comes out on Friday I don’t know if I’ll have time to do 3 posts a week but I’ll see. If there’s another fun idiotic romp I’ll be sure to squeeze something out.

PREVIEW

Crisis over! Beach Party!!

About Hime

Metanorn's resident perverted princess and porn critic; she covers the overlooked, the underrated and the down right stupid. No anime is safe from her critical eye, but throw something Jun Fukuyama related in her direction and she'll turn into a useless puddle of fangirl goo.