Not Fit To Fap To: Resort BOIN (NSFW)

Love is always just a threesome away

Need something to warm you up this winter? Look elsewhere. This hentai is likely to leave you with that cold, deep rooted loathing not disimillar to the kind you feel after you realize you are, in fact, sitting with your pants round your ankles with the light off… marveling at your glow in the dark tights when you could be masturbating.

This times shameful smut revolves around Daisuke, Nao and Mitsugu; three friends reunited on a beach retreat over their love of nudity and mutual gratification. After these three catch up they head to a cafe where they find Dai’s cousin whose name you don’t need to remember because she doesn’t have a sex scene, and her clumsy co-worker, Momo, who you do because she does. It’s only about 3 minutes into this court-order waiting to happen before we get our first sex scene. Least they aren’t wasting any time – Nao appears at Dai’s window doing her best Star Driver impression and offering up her garden of heavenly pixels.

What’s sexier than baby-talk? …Oh, yeah. ANYTHING.

And now we come to Example 1 of why Resort BOIN made it on to Not Fit To Fap; the dialogue~ BOIN, much like the sound a cartoon breast makes when you flick it, is laughable to the point of hyperventilation. Porn language is a special breed of literature that, while having a context filthier than a $2 hooker’s lingerie collection, has the intellectual complexity of a two year old that’s just discovered rainbows. Here in Resort BOIN it MORE than states the obvious. It is a blow by blow commentary (literally) of what’s going on down to the most inane nipple tickle and pelvic thrust. It’s the main selling point of this smackfest, besides the sex, obviously.

It’s no fun when they make the jokes for me

Speaking of which, you’ve probably noticed by now but most hentais have a favorite hat trick. Overfiend had tentacles. Bible Black had all that orgasm-trading. Well, BOIN has the “boobjob”. Maybe it’s just me, but things like that make me laugh x10 more than tentacles, which are supposed to be so hilariously weird even those who claim to be into the most depraved anime-born-fetishes turn their nose up at it. Maybe it’s just because I spent an unnatural amount of time as a child around friends who used sliding a hotdog in and out of a bun as a metaphor for sex, but this one just tickles me. It also stands by the age old tradition that boobs are funny.

Hilarious.

So after Nao gets thoroughly bonked it’s Mitsugu’s turn. She has a pinch more class than her pink-haired love-rival and creates a romantic setting for Daisuke before asking him to cum on her tits. See, it’s the little things that matter. In what I’m sure if a cut scene from Titanic they have sex up against the railings of a cruise, and the only thing I’m thinking is “What if he just tipped her over the edge?” She has much the same problem as Nao unfortunately in the show don’t tell department, in fact I’d say it’s worse.

Why don’t you tell us your shopping list while you’re at it?

Before we get to the threesome this hentai is based around it’s time for Momo’s rather obscure sex scene given the context of the porno. Here’s the set-up; Dai and his two sex buddies go for a stroll through one of these tropical greenhouses, accompanied by his cousin and Momo. FYI, this is where you fall in love with Momo – and it has nothing to do with her sex scene. Basically she trips and the gang end up leaving her behind, just in time for a huge ass Venus flytrap to appear out of nowhere and eat her. You can see where this is going…I don’t even know why this scene is here. It is so out of context for a grounded, and I use that word loosely, hentai about three estranged friends meeting by chance and gangbanging. Honestly. What a stretch! So the plant eats Momo and tentacle rapes her, then she wakes up with everyone explaining that she fell and passed out and that the whole rape thing was just a dream. OH THE NECESSITY IS KILLING ME.

I couldn’t resist

Long awaited threesome in 3, 2, 1…To be honest as far as threesomes go this one is pretty good. There’s only one problem. Oh good lord …the music. Someone tell me why the soundtrack to George of the Jungle suddenly took over the LACK of cliché porno music we all know and love? Actually, BOIN doesn’t really have a soundtrack, so why include one now? Is it because it’s a montage? I have no idea. All I know is that the tentacle scene from earlier is suddenly not the most awkward wank to be had in this thing.

Daisuke is surging…surging…surging…Daisuke is spent.

Okay guys, final sex scene! Here we go! Oh, any shreds of class are removed, it begins with attempted rape. Dai oversees Nao talking with an extra from every 90s surfer movie and feels some spikes of jealousy when he asks her out. She quickly declines though, explaining that Dai is the only man for her (give or take the other woman she has to climb over and/or get off to reach him). The guy doesn’t take too kindly to this and starts giving her trouble, but Dai kicks his ass and earns some obligatory “thank you for saving me, a poor defenceless female, sex” from Nao. Oh, it’s just dripping romance, isn’t it? Well, after their proclemations of love and cum-jets the hentai mercifully ends. Uh, so what about Mitsugu? She had sex with him the same number of times, spewed the same lust clouded dialogue at him, so how come she doesn’t get a permenant slice of the Dai-cake? Nao doesn’t seem to mind, I’m sure if you asked her she’d agree to more threesomes with Mitsugu. Friends share, you know.

I’ve seen better animation on an episode of Beelzebub…*zing!* Oh, low blow, Hime.

ALL SUMMER LONG

You could fill a whole reaction image thread with some of these. I call this one the “brain damaged kitten”

Someone’s been practising their “invisible burrito”…

“What if I get pregnant?” – That’s her next line. See what I mean? How can you not love stupidity that thick?

Now that’s what I call a double header

“Omg these pixels taste amazing, and they’re part of a balanced breakfast!”

“Brain Damaged Kitten being Tickled”

“Horse being Smacked”

“Getting A High Score In Skyrim”

This is probably the “purest” hentai I’ve done in the sense that it was just misc. sex scenes strung together by no real story. Overfiend and BB had stories and sex. This…was just sex. Harder to critique, but I was just in such stitches because of the dialogue I couldn’t resist. The “characters” were all pretty inconsequential with the exception of Momo. She was without a doubt the most entertaining thing in this spunk-splatter fest. Just her reactions were hilarious. And I’m not talking about when she was getting her pipes cleaned by those tentacles. There scene just before where her and Dai’s cousin fall behind, the cousin says “I guess we’ve been left behind.” In some epic comic timing Momo’s face just turns to this vacant chibi. SHE CAN’T COMPREHEND LANGUAGE. It was beautiful stupidity.

The animation is actually pretty nice, it’s a bit too Bible-Black shiny at points but at least they know how to draw anatomy. Well…until it comes to boobs and pinass. The back pain alone these girls must endure is astronomical. But then again they do look so much like balloons that maybe they don’t weight anything at all. The first time Noa pulled down Dai’s pants I was left wondering why he had a black man’s giant cock, but I had less of a problem with that (gee, really?) it was more the fact that I could generalize him to at least 5 other anime characters I know, whose shows have now being ruined for me, than anything else. That’s what happens when your hentai lead was designed from scraps off the cutting room floor, oi.

This hentai was fairly standard, next time I have a real treat for you guys. It’s a bit of a cheat but it is AWSOME. And I’m not even kidding. We’re going back to the 90s for a sci-fi romp. Set phasers to vibrate! (oh my god I’m so ashamed of that pun)…

About Hime

Metanorn's resident perverted princess and porn critic; she covers the overlooked, the underrated and the down right stupid. No anime is safe from her critical eye, but throw something Jun Fukuyama related in her direction and she'll turn into a useless puddle of fangirl goo.